It's Getting To Me...

I'm starting to get a little upset about how big and unwieldy this wedding has become. When I imagine my perfect wedding day, I imagine being surrounded by, I don't know, fifty or so people. I don't like big crowds of people, even if they're family and friends.

But now it seems like everyone in the world has to be invited, or else. Adam has about a bazillion relatives that apparently all have to be invited, and this means more people I don't know, more people staring at me the whole time, and much much much more money than I ever wanted to spend.

I think I'm actually beginning to sympathize with those Bridezilla types, the ones who stamp their feet and insist childishly, "But it's MY day!" The thing is, everyone pays lip service to the idea that the wedding is all about the bride, or all about the married couple, but really it's not about either. It's about everyone else. I mean, this forum on The Knot shows how many brides are afraid of their families and friends A.) not showing up, or B.) not having a good time. With weddings, you spend almost all of your planning time worrying about everyone else, and what they think or want. The whole time, you spend every second trying to make everyone else happy, because if you don't, you'll ruin your relationship with your new relatives, or you'll make friends mad at you. But then you end up with too many people in the wedding party, too many people at your wedding, too much money being spent. And the whole time, you just want to shove the hypocrisy of "but it's all about you!" in everyone's faces, to stand up and shout, "Hey, what happened to what I want?" even if it makes you sound bratty and spoiled.

I'm starting to hate the very idea of a wedding. I feel like I'm married to Adam already-- we're so close, and I love him so much, and want so much to help and protect him, all the time. So why do we have to have some big ceremony? Nothing's going to change when we're married, except that we'll get tax incentives and I'll start referring to him as "my husband" instead of "my soon-to-be husband." So why make a big deal?

Sometimes I wish Adam and I lived on a deserted island.