Analysis of a Political Feline

So I totally gave up on watching the last debate about halfway through, for the reasons I previously listed. Instead, I am documenting, for your edification, my previous claim that my cat is afraid of John McCain.

No, really! When Charlotte Brontë spots his wrinkled visage on my TV or computer screen, she becomes intensely irate. By contrast, when Obama is debating, she becomes calm and begins purring. As part of my crack reporting here at A New Philosophy, I bring you...

PHOTO DOCUMENTATION EVIDENCE THINGIES!

1.Here is Charlotte Brontë as Senator McCain brings up Bill Ayers for the millionth time:

Please note the way she pulls back her ears flat against her head, and how she narrows the tops of her open eyes.

2. Here is Charlotte Brontë as Senator Obama discusses how the repeated mentions of Ayers "says more about [McCain's] campaign than it says about me":

Now, note the relaxed position of her head and ears, as well as her closed eyes— a classic sign of feline contentment.

3. Let's look at Charlotte Brontë's background as an indication of political alignment. She was born to a single mother in poverty, the only surviving child from a litter of only three. She grew up in the care of her aunt, an older and more responsible cat who had nonetheless fallen prey to the same wicked charms that Charlotte's mother had adored, and given birth to a litter of kittens by the same father. These were Charlotte's half-siblings: Otis, Princess, Nala, and two others who would be adopted by loving humans soon after their birth and given good jobs as barn mousers. (FYI: Otis was killed in the line of mousing duty several months ago; at the time of this posting, Nala is missing and presumed dead).

Charlotte was physically ill as a child, but without health insurance she was unable to be treated for giardia, roundworms, and her heart murmur. Alone and forgotten, she would watch her half-siblings play out in the yard, longing for the day when she could join them. Her mother, still mooning over the three-legged, one-eyed tomcat who had impregnated her, would abandon Charlotte Brontë for hours on end to go out on hot dates in the nearby cornfields. Charlotte had but one protector, my mother-in-law Alice, who would feed and care for her as the summer wore one.

Then, she met me.

Charlotte and I were destined for one another. Brought suddenly from her sleepy home in an Ohio garage to the bright lights of New York, Charlotte became a Cat of the World. She studied poetry, politics, and journalism, and quickly became bilingual, picking up French like it was her native language. Mingling with Vassar's intellectual elite, Charlotte learned to debate, to dissent, to research, and of course, to procrastinate and then turn in something crappy at the last minute. She was accepted lovingly by her TA7 family— the mathematical genius Olivia, the brilliant linguist Claire, and the Old English scholar with a bent for philosophy, Trevor.

But it was too good to last. Fearing the iron fist of College Administration would come slamming down upon us, I sent her to live with her surrogate grandparents, my parents. Back in Ohio, Charlotte would become familiar with her adopted cousins: Buster, an evil mastermind posing as an old fool; Sylvia Plath, a cruel ice queen, Marmalade, a playful schizophrenic, and Scarlett O'Hara, a poor scattered cat whose mental handicaps were beyond the healer's art. She would feel at home there, but she would miss her surrogate mother.

Finally, I returned with a degree in hand—triumphant! At long last, Charlotte had a surrogate mother— and a surrogate father, as I married Adam and began to live a happy life in my new apartment in Ohio.

I submit to you that, through extensive interviews and documentation detailing the life of this extraordinary feline, I believe that my cat is a Democrat. Yes— Charlotte Brontë believes in caring for the poor. Charlotte Brontë believes in open access to birth control (her mother, by the way, had another set of kittens recently, by the same no-good father; their names are Sadie and Lenore, and Sadie was killed in a car accident in September). Charlotte Brontë believes that healthcare MUST be a priority. Charlotte Brontë believes that families are whatever you want them to be, not what society tells you they ought to be.

Yes, Charlotte Brontë has learned a lot from her short life. Is it any wonder that she can't afford John McCain?

The message was brought to you by the Council for Democratic Pets [CDP].

...now, wasn't that much more entertaining than a silly old debate?