Pastor Preaches Sexy Time

WARNING: Explicit discussion of sex and marriage is contained within this post.

This video from CNN caught my attention: the pastor of a non-denominational Baptist church in Texas (I know, I know, you can see where this is going already, right?) is preaching that his married congregants should have more sex. While you'd think I'd be all about this sort of preaching, I have incredibly mixed feelings about this video, particularly regarding our society's attitude towards both sex and marriage.

First off, I'm disturbed by the dual nature of our sexual views. Listen to the way both the interviewer and the preacher discuss sex: it must be sensual and loving and deeply emotional (involving "looking deeply into one another's eyes") or else it's somehow not right. Both the entertainment media AND a large percentage of religious institutions in this country promote this view; sex in films and television these days is either loving and gentle and sappy (the "moral" kind of sex) or rough and dirty and quick (the "immoral" kind of sex). We hardly ever see people in films or TV shows enjoying sex without pouring their hearts out or without having already fallen in love with one another. The latter kind of sex is the kind we see characters having when they feel bad about themselves, when they have self-esteem issues, when they're cheating on a spouse or having sex before they're ready.

Is this really the only way we can think about sex? I'm married, and I'm not always in the mood for candlelight/bubble bath/scented massage oil type sex. Sometimes I like to have some fun, and I don't see that there's anything wrong with lighthearted sex.

Secondly— okay, this is something that has always bothered me, but the video finally helped me articulate it a little bit more clearly than before. It seems like it works like this: the religious right doesn't want people to have sex before marriage, and then they're surprised when two married people who didn't try one another out before marriage find that they don't enjoy sex with one another because they're not sexually compatible. I just don't get this mindset. The best way to ensure that you have a happy, healthy sex life during marriage is to MAKE SURE YOU ARE COMPATIBLE BEFORE MARRIAGE. Hey, you don't have to have sex before marriage if you don't want to, but then you don't get to complain about not having sex when you ARE married.

Honestly, while I think stress and business can account for a little bit of this lack-of-marital-sex thing, I don't think that's really the problem. Adam and I are busy and stressed, and, well...it's not like we're frigid on the sex thing. I think part of the problem is that telling people that it's virtuous to wait to have sex until after marriage ensures that plenty of married people run headlong into marriage without knowing a thing about how well the other person will be able to satisfy them.

I've seen all kinds of evidence of this on The Nest, where we have a name for people like that: SRVs (self-righteous virgins). About 40% of the people on the site waited to have sex before marriage, and every single one of them seems to follow the same trajectory: when they first start posting on the boards, they say things like, "While it's your choice if you want to have sex before marriage..." or "I don't judge people who didn't wait..." and then proceed to ramble on about how THEY chose to do the bidding of the Lord, how THEY are going to be entering marriage as "pure souls," and how they're SO GLAD they waited because "now sex will be truly special for us."

About two months later, they stop talking about sex altogether.

About three months after that, the questions start to come in. They leave multiple messages on the Sex and Relationships board: "How come I can't have an orgasm?" "How do I give a blow job?" "Why can't my husband have an orgasm without watching porn?" "I don't understand how to put on a condom." "Is this normal?"

About three to four months after that, they leave messages on the Trouble in Paradise Board: "My husband doesn't understand how to turn me on." "I never want to have sex anymore." "My libido is too high or something, because I totally can't get enough and he always acts like he doesn't want to do it."

Now, I don't advocate sexual activity for people under 18, because most of the people I knew when I was a teen were barely ready for their driver's licenses, let alone for sex (although I suppose it depends on the individual, because nothing is right for everyone). But I don't advocate marriage for people under 18, either— and I think once you're old enough for marriage, you're old enough for sex. If you can't handle one, I dunno if you can handle the other.

If sex isn't that important to you, that's fine! I think different couples have different priorities. But I think that if sexual satisfaction IS going to be a factor in your marriage, you should know something about your partner before you move forward. It's perfectly fine to wait until marriage, but if you do, you should be aware that you may not click sexually, and you should be prepared to encounter surprises and difficulties. A lot of people seem to think that if they love someone, sex will be great, no matter what; they seem incredibly surprised (and dismayed) to discover that sex can be more or less satisfying based on your partner's physical and emotional characteristics. Don't complain about the product if you CHOSE not to test drive it beforehand.

In short: if you want to try out your mate before you're married, do it. If you don't want to, that's cool, but be prepared to encounter fetishes or techniques or sexual mindsets that you might not enjoy or feel comfortable with.

My motto? Be prepared. :)